A Bulimic’s Look at Psalm 130, Part 2


3 If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness,
that you may be feared.

Last week we were face-to-face in verses one and two with a crying child begging to be heard and pleading for mercy. This week we find ourselves face-to-face with the same child, who declares in verse three that his case is hopeless. And not only his case but the case of all humanity. But in verse four he quickly declares his only hope. Namely, this, that in His father’s presence there is forgiveness.

I can only take a guess at how many times I purged. I purged for five years, only taking a break once. And that was after Jeff, my fiancé at the time, asked me to promise that I’d never purge again (see post). On our flight home from our honeymoon, I purged in the airplane bathroom. So let’s say I purged for 4 ½ years. Some days I made it through without purging. Other days I purged up to five times a day. Even if I just attributed one purge to each day of those years, the number would come roughly out to 1,610. Why would I calculate this? The awful weight of sin physically wreaked havoc on my body, and it sent my spirit it utter turmoil. 1,610 times I trembled with fear that God wouldn’t forgive me. 1,610 times I anxiously wiped and cleaned up the evidence that stood against me. 1,610 times I offered the feeble cry for help of Psalm 130:1&2. 1,610 times shame and guilt tormented me, holding me back from my Father’s house. Was I good enough to go in, yet? And the answer always was, not yet…not yet.
Psalm 40:12 describes what my life felt like during those days.

12 For evils have encompassed me
beyond number;
my iniquities have overtaken me,
and I cannot see;
they are more than the hairs of my head;
my heart fails me.

Going back to Psalm 130:3 we read, “If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities, O LORD, who could stand?” The answer is no one. And yet, shame and guilt tempt us into thinking we can better ourselves, that we should and can take care of the problem. If the Lord should mark iniquities, who could stand? Not one of us. “We all like sheep have gone astray.” His standards are too high, too wonderful. He requires absolute perfection and obedience in heart, soul, mind, and strength. So where is our hope? Our hope is seated at the right hand of the living God. It is Jesus Christ, who has taken on the punishment of those who take refuge in Him.

There is hope beyond bulimia because of Jesus Christ, who stands slain before the foundations of the world, seated at the right hand of the Living God!

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